Playing the Ponies

According to the Chinese Zodiac, 2014 is the Year of the Horse, so what better time to celebrate these magnificent creatures? But how does one celebrate an animal? Dogs and cats are easy—you simply purchase one and love it with all of your heart. Pigs and cows are even easier—you simply purchase a piece of one and eat it with all of your appetite. But horses are a bit trickier. Sure, I could buy a horse, but living in an urban setting with a backyard smaller than a volleyball court, it just doesn’t seem feasible. And, yes, I could eat a horse, but I already do that every time I go to Taco Bell. Another option would be to get involved in a riot so large that the mounted patrol needs to be called in, but then again, being clubbed in the face by a police officer on a horse isn’t really much of a celebration, is it? So, I’m going with the easiest, most practical option—off to the racetrack!

Horseracing is one of the world’s oldest sports. As long as humans have been riding the animals, we’ve been racing them, dating all the way back to Ancient Greece, Babylon, Syria, and Egypt. Today, horseracing is practiced all over the world, ranging from sprint distances as short as a few hundred yards to multi-day endurance races traversing courses over 500 miles long. Some races incorporate obstacles, others, harnesses, but the most common are simple flat races, typically run around an oval track, with a horse carrying a jockey. Still, flat races can be run at several different distances, and are generally broken down into two categories: conditions races and handicap races. In conditions races, every horse carries the same amount of weight, while in handicap races, each horse is assigned a weight depending on their ability. And if any of this seems complicated to you, wait until you here about the betting.

Win. Place. Show. Exacta. Trifecta. Superfecta. Daily Double. Pick Three. Pick Four. Pick Five. Besides the word “win,” if you aren’t familiar with horseracing, the rest of those terms would probably seem foreign to you. And they’re just the tip of the iceberg. When you initially look at a standard race program, you’d think one would need a Ph.D. to interpret all the signs, symbols, abbreviations, and numbers. For every horse in every race, the program appears to describe every possible detail, from the horses past race results to the course conditions during those races; from the post position to the stretch call; from the size of the field to the wind conditions; from the Equibase® Pace Figure to the Equibase Speed Figure®; from who used to own it to who currently owns it; from who trains it to which jockey races it. Plus more. Much more! For a layman, it’s downright intimidating. And that’s why I base all of my picks solely on the horse’s name.

It’s a sunny Sunday at Portland Meadows, and since this is a live sporting event, I’m ready to yell at some horses! (see: An Idiot’s Guide to Yelling, 7/22/14). It’s the third race of the day, at a distance of 5 ½ furlongs (a furlong is 220 yards, or 1/8 mile), and I’ve just won a $10 gambling voucher for sinking a beanbag in a corn hole. Now, I only need to decide which horse to bet on, and even though there are only seven horses in the field, four of them have outstanding names: Southern Influence, Street Jive, Call For The Wild, and JJ’s Gypsy. I go with my gut and throw everything down on Call For The Wild to show, which means he only has to come in the top three. Before the race even begins, my horse won’t get into the gate. I take that as a good sign—he’s antsy; he wants to race. The bell rings and they’re off. Call For The Wild has a horrible start—last place. He passes a horse on the back stretch, and two more around the turn. One more and I’m in the money! Here they come, down the home stretch. Kirkoroth’s in the lead; JJ Gypsy sitting pretty in second. The battle is for third. Call For The Wild and Street Jive are neck and neck. They’re approaching the finish line. Looks like it’s going to be a photo-finish…and Call For The Wild takes it by a nose! Just like that, I turn ten dollars into thirteen dollars. Do you realize how much Taco Bell I can buy with that?