The Truth about the NFL

ROGER: Good morning, Martin. It’s a pleasure to meet you. Please, have a seat.

MARTIN: Thank you, Mr. Goodell.

ROGER: Please, call me Roger.

MARTIN: Okay then, Roger, I’d like to begin by saying how surprised I was when you contacted me. I didn’t even apply for a position with the NFL.

ROGER: Well, we don’t advertise our career opportunities to the public. We actually prefer finding our own candidates.

MARTIN: And I assume you found my resume on LinkedIn?

ROGER: No, to be honest, we found you in an old online news article from 2012. Are you familiar with the one I’m talking about?

MARTIN: I haven’t the slightest clue.

ROGER: (laughs) The Omaha Times reported that you were running quite the cheating ring. They claim that not only did you cheat on the Nebraska State Bar Exam, but you were also charging fellow law students to help them cheat.

MARTIN: I can assure you that that was all just a big misunderstanding.

ROGER: It’s quite alright, Martin, you can tell me the truth. I won’t hold it against you.

MARTIN: I swear, Sir, I was set up.

ROGER: You’re a good liar.

MARTIN: But I’m not lying.

ROGER: A man that sticks to his story. Exactly what we’re looking for.

MARTIN: But Sir…

ROGER: Martin, it’s okay, we know you cheated. We know you helped others cheat. We know that you’re a liar. We know that you’ll lie about being a liar. That’s exactly why you’re here. How do you think we found you? Why do you think you’re here in the first place?

MARTIN: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I quite understand.

ROGER: You see Martin, we’re in the business of lying and in order to keep this machine running, we need more people like you—people who are willing to lie through their teeth. Let me ask you a question: what is your favorite professional sport?

MARTIN: Well, football of course…

ROGER: Wrong!

MARTIN: Excuse me?

ROGER: Football can’t be your favorite professional sport because professional football is not a sport.

MARTIN: I don’t follow.

ROGER: Professional football is not a sport because it is illegal in the United States to fix sporting events. Now do you follow?

MARTIN: You’re telling me that the NFL is fixed?

ROGER: In 2004, there was an antitrust lawsuit brought against the NFL. We were able to win the case because the NFL does not actually consider itself a sport, but rather an “entertainment marketplace.”

MARTIN: Why did I never hear about this? I mean, why wasn’t it a big news story?

ROGER: Because nobody really wants the truth, Martin. People want to believe that their team has a shot. That their favorite player is a standup guy. That everything is fair and balanced. But, I think we both know that’s not how a successful business is run.

MARTIN: So, you’re saying that the NFL is fake? Like the WWE?

ROGER: More or less.

MARTIN: But that’s impossible?

ROGER: Why? Why is it impossible?

MARTIN: There are too many players involved. There’s no way you could convince all of them to keep their mouths shut.

ROGER: Who said the players know anything about it?

MARTIN: But how could you pull it off without the players’ involvement?

ROGER: Let me ask you, Martin: have you ever seen an interview with a referee after the game?

MARTIN: I can’t say that I have.

ROGER: That’s because they’re bound by a mandated gag order that prohibits them from talking to the media. What you must understand is, almost any NFL game can be determined by just two calls. Why do you think some overt facemask penalties are ignored, while other, less obvious holding penalties are immediately flagged? You see, in football, a penalty can be called on every play. We decide which ones are called and which ones aren’t.

MARTIN: And you can determine the outcome of every game this way?

ROGER: There are always going to be circumstances beyond our control, but we do have a 93% success rate.

MARTIN: But why? Why rig the outcomes? Why not just let them play?

ROGER: Simple. One word—money. We used to “just let them play,” but we didn’t make any money. You don’t remember football from back in the 60’s and 70’s, but it was a different game. Quite frankly, it was kind of boring. We just gave the fans what they really wanted. We gave them entertainment. And it goes way beyond what happens on the field. We have turned the NFL into a 24 hour a day, 365 day a year spectacle. We’ve convinced people who wouldn’t even think about tuning into a game to spend their mornings talking about us around the water cooler at work. I mean, think about it, it’s better than a soap opera. We’ve got running backs beating their wives and kids. Linebackers and tight ends murdering people. Quarterbacks being investigated for taking PED’s.

MARTIN: And deflating footballs.

ROGER: (laughs) Ha, you liked that didn’t you. I have to be honest. That was my baby. I orchestrated that entire fiasco. Quite proud of it too. Super Bowl 49 was set to be the lowest rated Super Bowl in over a decade, but then Deflategate happened, and we ended up smashing every record.

MARTIN: So, how do you determine who wins?

ROGER: Well, there are many factors involved. It all really comes down to how we can make the most profit. Like, take 2001 for example. 9/11 had just occurred, so it was only natural that the Patriots would win the Super Bowl that year. And then, after Hurricane Katrina, The Saints were the obvious choice. And then, this year, with Payton Manning retiring…well, let’s just say that the storyline kind of wrote itself.

MARTIN: Wow!

ROGER: I know, it all seems so obvious when somebody sits down and explains it to you. So, what do you think? Would you be interested in working with us?

MARTIN: Tell you what, you tell me who’s going to win the Super Bowl this Sunday, and we’ve got a deal. You do know who’s going to win the Super Bowl, don’t you?

ROGER: Of course I do. And it sounds like we’ve got ourselves a deal. The winner of Super Bowl 50 will be…