The Twelve Films of Christmas

I don't like Christmas! There, I said it. The only thing I hate more than receiving presents is shopping for them. Ugly holiday sweaters are precisely what they claim to be. There's a reason why people don't drink eggnog year round. And don't even get me started on the "true" meaning of Christmas. But before you write me off as a total Scrooge, I'll be the first to admit that Darlene Love's rendition of "Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)" is one of the greatest songs ever recorded, and that there are about a dozen great films that revolve around--or take place during--the holiday season. So, without further ado, here is the jonpenfold.com list of the twelve greatest Christmas movies of all time:

#12) Scrooged

I know, I know, we're all sick of "A Christmas Carol," 

no matter how differently it's being told, 

but this one has Bill Murray as Scrooge, and who could ever grow sick of Bill Murray?

#11) Bad Santa

What could possibly be better than Bill Murray as Scrooge? 

Billy Bob Thorton as a Bad Santa, that's what!

#10) Elf

Will Ferrell as an Elf? What more needs to be said? 

A few more bad career choices and I have a feeling that we'll be seeing an Elf 2...

#9) A Christmas Story

Take away the leg lamp, the frozen tongue, and the soapy mouth, and what's left is a story of a bullied adolescent who wants nothing more than a gun for Christmas. 

Wait, what the hell is this movie about again?

#8) The last 45 minutes of It's a Wonderful Life

Skip all that boring shit about George Bailey's life and jump ahead to the final act, 

where it clearly explains that if you commit suicide, you get to return to an

alternate reality where everyone in town gives you their money. 

Wait, what the hell is this movie about again?

#7) Ernest Saves Christmas

You're probably wondering how this found it's way on the list. Well, once you realize that it was intended to be watched under the influence of hallucinatory drugs, everything will suddenly become perfectly clear.

#6) Batman Returns

Maybe not the best Batman movie ever made, 

but it's the only one that takes place during Christmas.

#5) Rocky IV

Maybe not the best Rocky movie ever made, 

but it's the only one that takes place during Christmas.

#4) National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation

Who would have thought that the Griswold's greatest vacation would be the one 

where they didn't really go on vacation at all?

#3) Lethal Weapon

Now that we know what we do about Mel Gibson and his beliefs concerning Christianity,

 it allows us to look at this movie in a completely different way.

#2) Gremlins

A simple lesson for everyone: if your Christmas present comes with instructions, for the sake of your family and neighbors, please just follow them!

#1) Die Hard

As you watch this incredible motion picture, pretend that the character of John McClane is actually a young John McCain. You'll definitely regret voting for Obama back in 2008.