Let’s see, which story should I tell? How about the
one where in 1823 William Web Ellis realized how stupid soccer was and decided
to pick up the ball and run with it, thus inventing rugby? Or how about the one
where we decided to call ourselves the Polecats even though every other
athletic team at our school called themselves the Bears? Or how about the one
where I split my eye open during the first five minutes of the first game I
ever played and had to go to the emergency room for stitches, thus earning the nickname
Tony? (Tony Montana…Scarface…I know,
the veterans on the team weren’t very creative back then). Or how about the
time Smoothie and Irish got arrested for stealing a Beirut table, two empty
kegs, and a shovel out of someone’s garage? (I still want to know what they intended
on doing with that shovel.) Or the time we lost Smoothie in a strange town in
the middle of the night? Or the second time we lost Smoothie in a strange town?
Or the third time? Or how about the time Smoothie, Oscar, Simon, and I all got
arrested on the way to a game because the cop who pulled us over said the
inside of our car smelled like a “goddamn brewery”? Or how about that time we
showed up in Albany with no uniforms and had to play in mismatching jerseys
that we bought at the Salvation Army an hour before kickoff? Or how about the
time I stole part of the letters off the front of the EGO sorority house? Or
the second time I stole part of the letters? Or the third time? Or how about
the one where Smoothie decided to drink a gallon and a half of milk in the Lehman
Dining Hall, only to have Oscar bear-hug him afterward, causing him to projectile
vomit all over the place? Or how about the time we went from a one-win season to
an undefeated State Championship the following year? Or how about that time our
fearless captain, Bobby Big & Strong, played an entire 80 minute game
without getting hurt? (That story would be fiction.) Or how about the time
Mitch decided to urinate on other people’s clean clothes in random dryers, thus
earning the nickname Maytag? Or the time Bert had the rookies cut down my
favorite tree in the woods that lined our pitch? (Fuck You Bert! Fifteen years
later and I’m still pissed.) Or how about that time I got drunk and petted a
live polecat that was rummaging through the trash on my back porch? Or how
about the time our rookies put a dead polecat inside a sorority house in
retaliation for them stealing our giant gumball machine in which we stole fair
and square from the local grocery store? Or how about the time Bam Bam lit his
hair on fire? Or the time he put a nail through his cheek? Or ran through town
naked? Or the time he and I stacked furniture fifteen feet high on top of Lou’s
station wagon? Or the time Lou decided to make his own Kahlua, thus earning the
nickname Sticky Lou? Or the time the guys in the Rugby House decided to turn a
duplex into one large house by creating “portals” through the walls? Or the
time Crazy Drunk Chad and I stole a canoe from a frat house, carried it all the
way across town at two in the morning, and left it inside Ack’s living room as
a Christmas present, even though it wasn’t Christmas? Or how about the time
Teddy stole that blind girl’s Seeing Eye dog? (You are a sick sonofabitch,
Teddy.) Or the time Teddy cold clocked a random stranger because nobody would
give him a bite of their pizza? (You are a mean sonofabitch, Teddy.) Or how
about the time Treez became the most successful marijuana dealer in town only
to waste of all of his earnings on cheap imitation ninja swords and battle axes
and a litter of inbred Rottweilers? Or how about that one time we got drunk at
Backstreets? OKAY! NEVERMIND! FUCK IT!
If nobody’s going to pick a story, then I’m not going to tell any of them.
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