What the ₣#©k is a Polecat? or, Life on a College Rugby Team

Let’s see, which story should I tell? How about the one where in 1823 William Web Ellis realized how stupid soccer was and decided to pick up the ball and run with it, thus inventing rugby? Or how about the one where we decided to call ourselves the Polecats even though every other athletic team at our school called themselves the Bears? Or how about the one where I split my eye open during the first five minutes of the first game I ever played and had to go to the emergency room for stitches, thus earning the nickname Tony? (Tony Montana…Scarface…I know, the veterans on the team weren’t very creative back then). Or how about the time Smoothie and Irish got arrested for stealing a Beirut table, two empty kegs, and a shovel out of someone’s garage? (I still want to know what they intended on doing with that shovel.) Or the time we lost Smoothie in a strange town in the middle of the night? Or the second time we lost Smoothie in a strange town? Or the third time? Or how about the time Smoothie, Oscar, Simon, and I all got arrested on the way to a game because the cop who pulled us over said the inside of our car smelled like a “goddamn brewery”? Or how about that time we showed up in Albany with no uniforms and had to play in mismatching jerseys that we bought at the Salvation Army an hour before kickoff? Or how about the time I stole part of the letters off the front of the EGO sorority house? Or the second time I stole part of the letters? Or the third time? Or how about the one where Smoothie decided to drink a gallon and a half of milk in the Lehman Dining Hall, only to have Oscar bear-hug him afterward, causing him to projectile vomit all over the place? Or how about the time we went from a one-win season to an undefeated State Championship the following year? Or how about that time our fearless captain, Bobby Big & Strong, played an entire 80 minute game without getting hurt? (That story would be fiction.) Or how about the time Mitch decided to urinate on other people’s clean clothes in random dryers, thus earning the nickname Maytag? Or the time Bert had the rookies cut down my favorite tree in the woods that lined our pitch? (Fuck You Bert! Fifteen years later and I’m still pissed.) Or how about that time I got drunk and petted a live polecat that was rummaging through the trash on my back porch? Or how about the time our rookies put a dead polecat inside a sorority house in retaliation for them stealing our giant gumball machine in which we stole fair and square from the local grocery store? Or how about the time Bam Bam lit his hair on fire? Or the time he put a nail through his cheek? Or ran through town naked? Or the time he and I stacked furniture fifteen feet high on top of Lou’s station wagon? Or the time Lou decided to make his own Kahlua, thus earning the nickname Sticky Lou? Or the time the guys in the Rugby House decided to turn a duplex into one large house by creating “portals” through the walls? Or the time Crazy Drunk Chad and I stole a canoe from a frat house, carried it all the way across town at two in the morning, and left it inside Ack’s living room as a Christmas present, even though it wasn’t Christmas? Or how about the time Teddy stole that blind girl’s Seeing Eye dog? (You are a sick sonofabitch, Teddy.) Or the time Teddy cold clocked a random stranger because nobody would give him a bite of their pizza? (You are a mean sonofabitch, Teddy.) Or how about the time Treez became the most successful marijuana dealer in town only to waste of all of his earnings on cheap imitation ninja swords and battle axes and a litter of inbred Rottweilers? Or how about that one time we got drunk at Backstreets? OKAY! NEVERMIND! FUCK IT! If nobody’s going to pick a story, then I’m not going to tell any of them.

A Final Piece of Art

            “I have nothing left—not a single drop of creativity left in my blood.” The Prince fell to his knees and began hyperventilating.

            A puff of smoke. A burst of flames. A man with a lion’s mane appeared.

            “Jim, is that you?”

            “It is me, the Lizard King.”

            “I thought you were dead?”

            “Thank you.”

            “Thank you?” The Prince was confused.

            “My greatest piece of art.” The Lizard King ran his fingers through his long flowing hair.

            “You mean you faked your death?”

            “Sometimes the artist’s greatest piece of art is the disappearance of the art itself.”

            “Are you saying what I think you’re saying?”

            “Whatever I am saying is what you think I am saying, and whatever you think I am saying is what I am saying.”

            The Prince fell to his knees. “Are you saying that I have to die?”

            “Do doves cry?” The Lizard King replied.

            “But why?”

            “Not only is art legacy, but legacy is art.”

            “But what about the loneliness?”

            “Take someone with you. When I created my greatest piece of art back in ’71, I took my love Pam with me. Who do you want to take?”

            The Prince put his fingers together and thought for a moment. “How about that lady wrestler from the 90’s, the one named after that country in Asia?”

            “You’ve always been a sexual deviant, haven’t you?” The Lizard King grinned. “You better love her madly.”

            The Prince smiled back. “And while I’m at it, let’s include the mom from Everybody Loves Raymond. I’ve always liked her sense of sass.”

            “That makes sense,” the Lizard King added. “We always do go in threes.”

A SLIPPERY SLOPE

A SLIPPERY SLOPE

Characters

The Judge

The Prosecutor

The Defense Attorney

Setting—The American South, the near future

JUDGE   (Slams gavel on bench) Next case.

PROSECUTOR   Sir, The People versus Clayton Harshfield. Harshfield has been charged with  harassment. An openly homosexual couple visited his fried chicken restaurant. Not only were they refused service, but when refusing to leave in protest, Mr. Harshfield physically removed the couple, resulting in three thousand dollars worth of medical care.

DEFENSE   Objection, Sir. The defense motions for an immediate dismissal of the case. My client, Mr. Harchfield, under the Religious Freedom Act, based upon his religious beliefs, has every right to refuse service to any and all homosexuals.

PROSECUTOR   But, Sir, though he does have the right to refuse service, he does not have the right to physically assault another human being.

DEFENSE   Actually, Sir, my client’s religion does allow him to assault homosexuals at his own discretion. By not allowing my client to practice his religion, you will be in clear violation of the Religious Freedom Act. Remember, Sir, as a religious person, my client is granted the rights to practice his religion however he deems necessary.

JUDGE   The court, under Section 2 of the Religious Freedom Act, finds Clayton Harshfield not guilty (Slams his gavel on bench). Next case.

PROSECUTOR   Sir, The People verses Cornelius Caruthers III. Caruthers has been charged with fraud. Documents show that he conned over a dozen homeowners out of thousands of dollars each by selling them fake insurance.

DEFENSE   Objection, Sir. The defense motions for an immediate dismissal of the case. My client, Mr. Caruthers, under the Religious Freedom Act, based upon his religious beliefs, has every right to commit fraud against anyone in which he chooses.

JUDGE   The court, under Section 2 of the Religious Freedom Act, finds Cornelius Caruthers III not guilty (Slams his gavel on bench). Next case.

PROSECUTOR   Sir, The People verses Frank Daniels. Daniels has been charged with armed robbery. He held up the local gas station attendant with a sawed-off shotgun.

DEFENSE   Objection, Sir. The defense motions for an immediate dismissal of the case. My client, Mr. Daniels, under the Religious Freedom Act, based upon his religious beliefs, has every right to rob, by gunpoint or whichever other means he deems appropriate, anyone in which he chooses.

JUDGE   The court, under Section 2 of the Religious Freedom Act, finds Frank Daniels not guilty (Slams his gavel on bench). Next case.

PROSECUTOR   Sir, The People verses David Sullivan. Sullivan has been charged with child molestation…

DEFENSE   Objection, Sir. The defense motions for an immediate dismissal of the case. My client, Mr. Sullivan, under the Religious Freedom Act, based upon his religious beliefs, has every right to molest any child in which he…

[The Judge pulls a pistol from beneath his desk and shoots the Defense Attorney point blank in the chest. The Defense Attorney falls to the floor.]

PROSECUTOR   (taken aback) Sir! You just shot the Defense Attorney dead.

JUDGE   That is a fact. And…

PROSECUTOR   You just murdered a man!

JUDGE   It’s all right. My religion permits me to murder anyone I seem undesirable to live upon this earth, which includes that scum. (Points at body)

[The Judge and The Prosecutor break into laughter.]

PROSECUTOR   Come on, Sir, let me buy you a drink.

JUDGE   Unfortunately, I’m going to have to pass. My religion has a strict No Alcohol policy. In fact, it permits me to murder anyone who does drink.

[The Judge points the gun at The Prosecutor. The Prosecutor covers his head with his arms.]

JUDGE (Breaks into laughter) I’m just kidding, my boy. Come on, let’s go get that drink.

[The two men exit stage, hands on each other’s shoulders, stepping over the Defense Attorney’s body on the way out.]

Curtains Close