Contrary to contemporary convention (try saying that ten
times fast), if you’re going to lie about your age, always lie high. If you’re
thirty, don’t tell people you’re twenty-five, because they’ll either think you’re
a liar, or that you don’t take good care of yourself. What you want
to do is tell them you’re thirty-five. They’ll immediately respond with something
like: “Wow! You look great for thirty-five!” As a thirty-three year old man,
when people ask my age, I like to say forty, and I’ll be damned if they don’t
think I’m the youngest looking forty year old on the planet. “What’s your
secret?” they’ll often times ask. “It’s simple,” I reply with a wink of an eye.
“I always lie high.”
Thursday, March 31, 2016
Thursday, March 24, 2016
An Accidental Trendsetter
“So, what do you do?”
Boy, do I hate that
fucking question. The answer, it seems, should be simple. Let’s see, what do I
do? I wake up, I eat, I work, I train, I create, I sleep, I repeat. But that’s
not the answer people are looking for. When people ask, “So, what do you do?” what
they’re really asking is: “So, what do you do that earns you money?” Simply
put, I don’t think that’s anybody’s business but their own, yet, every time I
meet someone new, they ask, “So, what do you do?” There are two reasons people
ask this question. 1) They are horrible conversationalists and have no other
topics in which they can talk to strangers about. Or, 2) They have amazing
professions that they really want to tell you
about. Either way, it’s a horrible question to ask someone you don’t know. But
since we’re on the topic, what exactly is it that we do? I suppose, more than
anything, we give ourselves labels—I’m a doctor; I’m a lawyer; I’m a clockmaker…Almost
always, when we label ourselves, we use our profession, the thing we do that
makes us money. But I think our society needs to break away from that. I think
we need to talk about our other labels, perhaps all of our labels. And I
suppose, since I’m writing this—making these words nothing more than a conversation
with myself—we might as well focus on me.
“So, what do I do?”
If we’re talking about
money: I’m a carpenter; a construction worker; a skilled craftsman; a truck driver;
a forklift operator; a welder; a laborer; an organizer; a janitor; an
installer; a foreman; a helper; a painter; a hole digger; a concrete worker; a
landscaper; and a writer. (Note: It’s interesting, that out of all those
things, I make the least amount of money writing. That’s right all of you aspiring
writers—I will make more money this week cleaning up other people’s messes than
I will in writing this essay! Though, on a more positive note, I will take more
pride in this one sentence than I will in all of those other things combined.)
If we’re talking about things
not pertaining to money: I’m a son; a grandson; a brother; a nephew; an uncle; a
friend; a boyfriend; an athlete; a runner; a cyclist; an editor; a
photographer; a competitive eater; an artist; an illustrator; a trivia aficionado;
a hiker; a backpacker; a camper; an outdoor lover; an adventurist; a
mountaineer; a skier; a humorist; a romantic; an alcoholic; a history buff; an
avid reader; a publisher; a graphic designer; a blogger; a film fanatic; a
poet; a lyricist; and a writer.
And then there are all
the things I used to be. I am a former baseball player; wrestler; rugby player; boy scout; dishwasher; cook; caddy; clerk; counselor; doorman; coach; captain; treasurer; drug user;
drug smuggler; customer service representative; technician; salesman; hot dog vendor; cold
caller; machine operator; Ph tester; auctioneer; lawn mower; snowboarder; hipster; leaf picker; farmer;
inmate; and student.
I’m sure there’s a bunch
more that I’m forgetting, but of all the different things I can be labeled, the
one that’s probably the most surprising is trendsetter. That’s right, I’m a
trendsetter, but I swear it’s only by accident. It’s just that the activities I
do, the things I become interested in, and the clothes I wear, always seem to be a few
years ahead of the rest of society. I’m not sure why this is, but it just is.
Some examples: I was two years ahead of the bandana craze of ’98; I was wearing
skinny jeans almost a decade before they became fashionable (sure, they were my
mother’s old jeans that she wore in high school in the 1970’s, but still…); all
through college I wore the same pair of cutoff camouflage shorts and soon as I
graduated they were being sold at Abercrombie and Fitch; I listened to
Americana music long before Mumford and Sons made it mainstream; I was into
hiking way before Instagram ruined it; and don’t even get me started on this
whole “lumbersexual” craze that’s trending as we speak.
Like I mentioned before,
I’m not really sure how I became a trendsetter, or why this is happening to me.
But I know what you’re thinking—so, what
are the next trends going to be? Okay, I’ll let you in a few of the things
I’m currently doing/wearing that will soon be popular: I quit washing my hair
about two years ago—no shampoo, no conditioner, nothing—so, get ready for that
to be a thing. Fanny packs will most certainly be going back into style in the
near future, as well as convertible pants, woman’s sunglasses with tiger print
frames, and cuffing the ends of your jeans because they’re two sizes too long. Let’s
see, what else? Self-publishing, because traditional publishers won’t give you
the time of day—that should be a trend soon. As well as writing blogs that
completely change topic halfway through. And as far as entertainment: Jeopardy
should soon be a hit among Millennials and Brandi Carlile should be the next
Adele. Don’t believe me? Just wait a few years and you’ll see. After all, I am
a trendsetter. So, what do you do?
Thursday, March 17, 2016
The Secret Vision Board
When
Jane got home from work, she couldn’t find Marvin anywhere. Her husband wasn’t
in the kitchen cooking dinner, or in the bathroom cleaning up. He wasn’t
watching television in the living room, or taking a nap in their bed. She even
climbed up to the third story terrace where they liked to watch the sunset. And
from there, she looked down upon the back yard, but nothing. She noticed his
truck in the driveway when she pulled in, and since he never went anywhere on
foot, he had to be somewhere in the house. There was only one last place to
look.
Jane
startled Marvin when she walked down the basement steps. He quickly covered up
whatever it was he was doing, and swung his swivel chair in her direction. “Babe!
You’re home? I must have lost track of time.”
“Were
you masturbating?” Jane giggled.
Marvin’s
eyes lit up. “No! No, I wasn’t…doing that.”
“It’s
okay.” Jane smiled. “In fact, I’m a bit turned on.”
“I wasn’t masturbating.”
“I wasn’t masturbating.”
“Then
what are those?” Jane nodded towards a pile of magazines stacked on his nearly
empty workbench.
“Nothing.”
“Marvin,
it’s ok if you’re looking at porn.” Jane walked towards the bench. “I really
don’t mind.”
“It’s
not porn.”
“Then
why are you being so secretive about it?” Jane started shuffling through the magazines—Sports
Illustrated, People, Better Living, Time, National Geographic—before noticing a
large sheet of cardboard laying flat in the bench. “What the hell are you doing
down here?” she asked with suspicion.
“It’s
nothing. Come on, let me buy you dinner.”
“In
a minute.” Jane flipped the cardboard over to discover a collage of photographs
pasted to the other side.
“Alright,
you got me.” Marvin threw his hands in the air.
“How
did I get you?” Jane was confused. “Is there something you want to tell me?”
“It’s
my vision board, okay?”
“Vision
board?”
“Yes,
a vision board. I read about it in a self-help book.”
“Which
one?”
“You
know, the one everybody’s always talking about.”
“Oh,
that one. So, tell me about your vision board. What is it exactly that you are
visioning?”
“Well,
look at it.” Marvin pointed towards the board. “I’m not sure it needs much
explaining.”
“But
I think it does.” Jane pointed to a photo of a locomotive. “Why is there a
train on your vision board?”
“Isn’t
it obvious? I want to own a train someday.”
“I
don’t think people own trains.”
“Vanderbilt
owned trains.”
“I
think those were different times. Let’s move on.” Jane pointed to a photo of a
basketball. “Do you want to be a basketball player?”
“No.”
Marvin laughed. “Get serious. I’m only five-nine. I want to own the Trail Blazers.”
Jane
laughed even harder. “The Trail Blazers? Yeah, good luck with that.” She walked
away from the bench shaking her head. “The
Trail Blazers?” she emphasized again, laughing even harder. “I think you
have a better chance of owning a train.” She laughed all the way up the stairs.
The
following morning, as Jane was heading out to work, she noticed Marvin’s truck
in the driveway. She was immediately concerned. Marvin always left for work
before she woke up. Instead of scouring the house, she headed straight for the
basement, where she found Marvin. He was sitting at his bench, working on his
Vision Board.
“Why
aren’t you at work?” Jane asked.
“I
don’t have to go to work anymore, Babe.”
“What
do you mean you don’t have to go to work anymore?”
“I
have a vision board now.”
“So?”
“So,
once the vision board becomes reality, I’ll never have to work again. Come
look, I’ve added some things.”
Jane
walked over to find more magazine cut-outs pasted on the board. There was a
picture of a stack of cash and another of a yacht and another of a cowboy
riding a stallion, which was kicking its front hooves high into the air.
“See,”
Marvin assured her, “nothing to worry about.”
“Are
you out of your fucking mind?”
“What
are you talking about, Babe?”
“How
do you think a vision board works?”
“It’s
awesome, Babe. You just put things on the vision board that you really, really,
really want, and eventually they come to you. You know, by visioning them.”
“I
don’t think that’s how it works.”
“How would you even know?
Did you read the book?”
“Did
you read the book?”
“Most
of it.”
“Most
of it?”
“Well,
up to the part about the vision board. You should really try it, Babe.”
“I
don’t have time for this right now. One of us has to go to work.”
When
Jane came home from work, Marvin was still in the basement, still working on
his vision board. Now there were cutouts of swimsuit models all over it.
“What
the hell is that?” Jane asked.
“Those
are the girls I’m going to date someday, Babe.”
“Excuse
me?”
“All
these girls,” Marvin pointed at the numerous women, “I’m visioning that I’ll
sleep with them someday.”
“Shouldn’t
you have pictures of me on there? You know—your wife.”
“But
I already sleep with you, Babe. Why would I vision that? The vision board is
about visioning things you actually want.”
Jane
stormed up the stairs. She came back an hour later. “Honey,” she said, “I took
your advice and made my own vision board.”
“That’s
great, Babe. Let’s see it.”
“It’s
up on the third floor terrace.”
“The
third floor terrace? Why would you make your vision board up there, Babe?”
“Why
would you make yours in the basement?”
“Touché,
Babe. Touché.”
Marvin
followed his wife up to the third floor terrace, where she showed him her
vision board, which only had three photos.
Marvin
pointed at the first one. “What’s that, Babe?”
“That’s
a briefcase full of money.”
“Great
vision, Babe. You do understand how this works. And that?” he pointed at the
next picture.
“That’s
an insurance policy.”
“Ok,
Babe, that’s kind of weird, but whatever, it’s your vision. And the last one?”
“That’s
a funeral procession.”
“A
funeral procession? Now, Babe, why would you ever vision a funeral process…”
Before
Marvin could finish his sentence, Jane pushed him off the terrace.
She looked down at his
broken body, and then back up, toward the most beautiful sunset she had ever
seen.
Thursday, March 10, 2016
The Greatest QB of All Time: An Argument for Peyton Manning
The sheriff has hung up his holster. And football
will never again be the same. At least not for me anyway. For myself—and for
many fans of this generation—Peyton Manning was not only the poster child of
the NFL, he was the NFL (you have to
admit, without him, 2011 didn’t feel quite the same). In the past two decades,
nobody exemplified the game of football quite like the man who wore number 18.
And in my opinion, in the history of the sport, no quarterback has ever been as
exceptional. The following is my argument why:
Let’s
begin with the basics. Let’s start with the stats. Here are just a few of
Peyton’s NFL records:
·
Most
career wins (playoffs and regular season) by a quarterback: 200
·
First
and only quarterback to reach 200 career wins (playoffs and regular season)
·
Most
touchdown passes, season: 55 (2013)
·
Most
seasons with at least 4,000 passing yards: 14 (1999–2004, 2006–2010, 2012–2014)
·
Most
passing yards, season: 5,477 (2013)
·
Most
consecutive seasons with at least 20 touchdown passes: 13 (1998–2010)
·
Most
consecutive seasons with at least 25 touchdown passes: 13 (1998–2010)
And
now, some awards:
·
2x
NFL Offensive Player of the Year (2004, 2013)
·
14×
Pro Bowl (1999–2000, 2002–2010, 2012–2014)
·
7×
First-team All-Pro (2003–2005, 2008, 2009, 2012, 2013)
·
2005
Walter Payton Man of the Year Award
·
2005
Pro Bowl MVP
·
2007
Super Bowl MVP
Okay.
Okay. I know what you’re thinking: What
more do you need to say? Don’t the records and awards speak for themselves?
If it was only that simple. Sure, the numerous records and awards should be
enough to establish Peyton as the greatest QB in the history of the NFL (5x NFL
MVP should alone be enough), but—here it is, that dreaded “but”—I know the argument
the naysayers will make. I can hear it already: “But he only won two Super
Bowls.” And that’s true. There is no disputing that fact. And the two
quarterbacks who time and time again get placed ahead of Manning in many
sportswriters’ rankings of the greatest QB of all time—Joe Montana and Tom
Brady—have won more, twice as many in fact. But—oh, if that “but” doesn’t work
both ways—if Super Bowl wins are the true indicator of greatness then is
Charles Haley not the greatest football player of all time? Charles who? You’re thinking. Charles
Haley is the only player to have won five Super Bowl rings. So, there goes that
argument. But, for the sake of arguing, let’s talk a bit more about Montana and
Brady in comparison to Manning.
One could
argue that Joe Montana is the greatest quarterback in the history of the NFL
playoffs. He never lost a Super Bowl. 4-0. But if winning is how we gauge
greatness, then Tim Tebow would still have a job in the NFL, because the only
thing that guy ever did was win. Also, if winning in the playoffs is how we define
greatness, then Eli Manning would be considered a far superior quarterback that
Dan Marino, and you’d be hard pressed to find any football aficionado to back
that statement. But fortunately, at least for my argument, winning is not the
only factor when determining greatness. When determining greatness we must look
at the supporting cast. And when discussing Joe Montana, we must factor in
Jerry Rice. For the majority of his career, Montana had the greatest wide receiver
in the NFL at his disposal. Not that Peyton didn’t have great receivers. He did—Marvin
Harrison, Reggie Wayne, Wes Welker, to name a few—but nobody that compares to Jerry
Rice. Not only was Rice the greatest receiver of his generation, but he is
arguably the greatest football player who ever lived (another argument for
another day). I can’t even imagine what could have occurred if Peyton had Rice
on his team for a majority of his career. And if we take away post season
victories, what did Montana accomplish concerning stats/records? Montana never
once threw for over 4,000 yards in a season (Manning did it 14 times), and only
had one season in which he threw over 30 touchdowns (Manning had 9). Montana
had 2 league MVP’s to Peyton’s 5. And it could be argued, that for much of his
career, Montana wasn’t even the best player on his team (Again, Jerry Rice) and
that during his last few seasons with San Francisco, he wasn’t even the 49er’s best
quarterback (Steve Young).
Alright, I
can already hear it: Manning and Montana played in two different eras, so comparing
their stats shouldn’t determine who was better. Well then, let’s move on to Tom
Brady, who did play in the same era as Manning, and who, like Montana, also won
four Super Bowls. First thing first, let’s pretend that Brady isn’t a dirty,
lying, cheater; that he didn’t let air out of footballs for much of his career
before finally getting caught; that his coach didn’t video tape their opponents’
practices, giving them an unfair advantage. Yes, for the sake of argument, let’s
imagine that Tom Brady is a respectable, upstanding athlete. In head to head
play, Brady has the clear advantage, having won 11 of their 17 matchups, but in
postseason play, Manning comes out ahead with 3 wins out of 5. As far as awards,
Brady has 2 NFL MVPs to Peyton’s 5, while statistically, trails him in almost
every category. Brady has 8 seasons throwing over 4,000 yards (Manning, 14) and
has thrown over 30 touchdowns 6 times (Manning, 9). Brady’s 4 Super Bowl victories
are twice that of Manning’s, but if a couple plays went the other way, say a
missed field goal, or an opposing coach’s decision to run the ball instead of throw it,
all of sudden Brady is 2-4 in the Super Bowl and there would be no discussion
concerning who was better (though I’ll be the first to admit, if a couple
miracle catches were incomplete, Brady could easily be 6-0 in the Super Bowl).
But, speculations aside, let’s look at some other factors that might determine
greatness. Brady had the luxury of playing under the same coach for his entire
career; a coach many consider to be the greatest football mind of all time.
Manning on the other hand, played under five different head coaches, taking his
team to the Super Bowl under four of them. Also, Manning is the only
quarterback to ever win the Super Bowl with two different franchises. We might
also take into account the fact that Brady was drafted onto a team which was
one of the best in the league at the time. Would his career have played out the
same if he was drafted by the worst team in the league and thrown into a
starter role on day one? How about Peyton Manning? Well, he was. Drafted first
overall, Manning took his team from a 3-13 record his rookie season to 13-3 his
second season, the greatest turnaround by any quarterback in the history of the
game.
I could go
on and on, though, unfortunately, I understand that none of the arguments I
made above will be considered credible to Patriots fans. So I guess it’s only
fair to give Tom Brady the last word.
To me, he's the greatest of all-time.
What he's accomplished and
the way that he studies, the way he prepares. He's really got a killer instinct
too. I've been fortunate to be around him on a lot of occasions and we always
hit it off; we have a great relationship and he's a friend of mine and someone
that I always watch and admire because he always wants to improve, he always
wants to get better and he doesn't settle for anything less than the best.
-Tom Brady on Peyton Manning, 2011
Thursday, March 3, 2016
American Heroine
Sacagawea, sometimes
written as Sacajawea or Sakakawea, was only twelve years old when she was
kidnapped from her Shoshone tribe and brought to a Hidatsa village on the
Missouri River. It was shortly thereafter that she married a French fur trapper
named Charbonneau, who either purchased her, or won her in a bet. By the time Lewis
and Clark headed west in the spring of 1805 she was 14 years old and carrying a
newborn baby, Jean Baptiste. The young mother would end up being the saving
grace of the entire expedition.
The
name Sacagawea is often misinterpreted as “bird woman,” when its true meaning
is “one who travels by boat.” It has been documented that the young native
woman never complained during the arduous trip and simply accepted life as it
was. When the men were becoming malnourished due to an all meat diet, it was
Sacagawea who balanced their meals by finding vegetables in the wild. When one
of their boats capsized as they headed up the Missouri River, it was Sacagawea
who recovered the most important items, including the men’s journals. But it
was neither of these acts that made Sacagawea such a vital component to the
Corps of Discovery—it was her mere presence.
Imagine
you’re a Native American man, wandering with a hunting party, when you stumble
upon a large group of men with strangely colored skin and mysterious weapons.
Your first instinct is to kill them all, to protect your land and loved ones
from these outsiders. But wait. What’s that? It’s a young Native American girl
carrying a newborn baby. Surely no woman would be traveling with a war party; they
must be a peaceful expedition. So instead of killing them, you converse with
them. And that’s the very reason Sacagawea was so valuable. Now, there’s no way
to prove that the expedition would have failed if not for her presence, but I’d
be willing to bet that if she wasn’t there, Lewis and Clark would be remembered
as the men who left St. Louis in 1804 and mysteriously disappeared somewhere in
Indian territory.
Even
though she is remembered as not only one of the most important women in
American history, but one of the most important people, we unfortunately know
little information concerning Sacagawea’s life after Lewis and Clark. It is
widely assumed that she died in 1812, at the age of 24, of an unknown illness,
though a Native American legend tells of her leaving Charbonneau and living
among a Comanche tribe until her death in 1884. She would have been 96-years
old. We do know that Captain William Clark adopted young Jean Baptiste in 1813,
and cared for the boy as his own.
To find out more about Sacagawea
and other historical figures,
please purchase
The Road and the River: An American Adventure
Now available on Amazon
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