The Christmas Bizarre

            

            “…and this is the ticket stub from the premier of Star Wars: The Force Awakens.” Tony held up a small square of paper.

The classroom replied with a chorus of “ooohs” and “ahhhhhhs.”

            “Was it good?” Suzie asked.

            “Of course it was good,” Tony said. “It was only the greatest movie ever! Duh!”

            “Better than Jurassic World?” Bert wanted to know.

            “Jurassic what?” Tony retorted.

            All the children in the classroom laughed.

            “Alright now,” Miss Crow said, “settle down now, settle down. Let’s thank Tony for sharing his ticket stub.”

            “Thank you Tony,” the children replied in unison.

            “Okay, Winston, it’s your turn for show and tell.”

            Winston walked to the front of the room. “I don’t have anything to show this week,” he said. “But I have something to tell you about. Over the weekend, my Uncle Leo took me to a Christmas Bizarre.”

            “You mean a bazaar,” Miss Crow corrected him. “B-A-Z-A-A-R.”

            “No. It was a bizarre. B-I-Z-A-R-R-E. As in, isn’t it bizarre that so many grown men flocked to see that children’s movie over the weekend. But I can understand why you might be confused. When my Uncle Leo told me he was taking me to a Christmas Bazaar, I was like, Lame! But the Christmas Bizarre was anything but lame. It was…well… bizarre.”

            “What was so bizarre about it?” Suzie wanted to know.

            “Everything,” Winston proclaimed. “Let’s see, there was a Santa Clause, but not like a normal Santa Clause. This one was rail thin, like a skeleton, and instead of a red suit, he was wearing thin straps of red leather and every time he said “Ho, ho ho,” he whipped a woman on all fours with a long leather strap. It looked like it hurt, but she seemed to like it. And then there were adults dressed up like furry animals, but they were wearing Santa hats. And then there was these other adults dressed up like it was the Industrial Revolution, but not the real Industrial Revolution, but an Industrial Revolution, like, in the future, and they wore Santa hats too. And then there was an elf petting zoo…”

            “What’s an elf petting zoo?” Tony asked.

            “That’s when there’s a bunch of elves trapped behind a short fence, and you can hold out pieces of candy, and they’ll come over and eat out of your hand. And then there was this woman who was wearing nothing but candy canes. And then there was this tall redhead with freckles whose body was covered in slices of white bread. I asked Uncle Leo what he was supposed to be, and he said he was a “Ginger Bread Man,” but I didn’t get it. And then there was a Christmas tree made out of humans and it sang Christmas carols but the words were all changed to dirty words we can’t say in school. And all the adults were drinking eggnog which seemed to make them very happy but when I asked for some Uncle Leo said it was adults-only eggnog. And then they put on a performance of the Christmas Story but Baby Jesus was played by a giant African-American woman who seemed very angry at the white man for changing her skin color and gender in order to control the hoards of ungrateful heathens. And then there was a mistletoe room, whatever that is, but Uncle Leo said that I wasn’t allowed inside, because inside the missile-toe room they…”

            “Alright now, Winston,” Miss Crow interrupted. “You’ve got quite the wild imagination, but I think we all know there’s no such thing as a Christmas Bizarre.”

            “But there is,” Winston insisted, “and you know there is. Because you were there. I saw you. You were on all fours, along with seven other people, and you all had antlers on your heads, and you weren’t wearing any clothing, and you were crawling around the Bizarre pulling a sleigh full of dismembered doll pieces. I wanted to say something to you, but you looked like you were having so much fun…”

            Miss Crow’s eyes lit up. “Alright now. Alright. Early recess today. Let’s go class, out to the playground.”

            The children all stood up, formed a line at the door, and began exiting the room.

            “Hold up a second, Winston. I want to talk to you for a minute.”

            “Yes, Miss. Crow?”

            Miss Crow waited for the last child to leave and then looked down at Winston. “Now Winston, you need to understand that what teachers choose to do on their own time is their own business and if you see a teacher doing something outside of school it is impolite to share what they were doing—whatever that may be—with your fellow classmates. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

            “I don’t understand. Are you ashamed for going to the Christmas Bizarre?” Winston’s eyes began to water. “Should I be ashamed for going to the Christmas Bizarre?”

            “No Winston, of course not. It’s alright. Say, do you like candy?”

            “Of course, Miss Crow.” Winston’s eyes dried and a smile lit up his face. “I am a child, after all.”

            “How about this—I’ll give you this box of chocolates if you promise not to say anything more to anybody about the Christmas Bizarre.”

            “Deal! But one question, Miss Crow.”

            “Yes, Winston.”

            "Why are these chocolates shaped like…”