SoulDate

According to the countless emails I receive on a daily basis, hot chicks in my area are interested in hooking up, so I got that going for me. But I haven’t resorted to that kind of thing yet, you know with all the great dating sites out there. And oh, have I tried them all: OKStupid, Plenty of Shit in the Sea, AthiestMingle…the list goes on and on and on. They were all alright, I mean I was able to tag some premium poontang from each of them, but it was SoulDate.com that really snatched the prize, so to speak. They developed this elaborate algorithm you see, where after a few tests—blood, DNA, IQ, Rorschach, etc.—they could hook you up with girls that have the same soul as you. The whole thing was rather scientific, which I’ve never been much interested in, unless it has to do with whey protein or self-tanning that is. I’ve always been more interested in results, like the other day, when I benched 240, seven times—RESULTS! So, SoulDate sends me a list of women in my area who have the same soul as me. The lists not too long, but long enough, enough to keep me busy for a few months. And I go on these dates with these girls and we have absolutely nothing in common. Like this one chick, she’s studying for her PhD in psychology or sociology or chronology or something like that, I’m not really sure—they’re all the same to me. But anyway, this chick, she’s like all intelligent and shit, like she knows the name of world leaders and the vice-president and things like that, things normal Americans have no need to know. And if it wasn’t for SoulDate, there’s no way we would have ever met, because while I’m spending the majority of my free time getting ripped and checking myself out in the numerous mirrors I own, this chick is in the library, reading and studying, and doing shit like that, shit I haven’t even thought about since middle school. I mean, normally, I wouldn’t even be into a chick like that—we had absolutely nothing in common—but SoulDate was sure that our souls matched, so I thought What the hell? plus, she was wearing a pair of those black framed glasses that really get me going, you know the ones, so I figured why not? And she must have thought the same thing about me, because before I knew it, we were back at my place and well, I think you can figure out what happened after that. She snuck out the next morning and I never heard from her again, but it didn’t matter you see, because the next week SoulDate had another chick lined up for me, and the week after that and the week after that. I was getting so much pussy I didn’t even know what to do with myself. I was in absolute heaven until one day I get an email from the president of SoulDate with a whole bunch of legal jargon that only a lawyer or a professor of law could decipher, but anyway, it goes on to describe how several of their clients had given negative feedback concerning me. Could you even imagine? And after performing all those tests over again, SoulDate realized they had been completely wrong about my matches. As it turns out, I don't even have a single soul mate, because apparently, guys like me don't actually have souls. Who would have thought? It also went on to say that my most recent blood test confirmed that during my time with SoulDate.com I had contracted a handful of STDs—that’s sexual transmitted diseases for you lame men—such as gonorrhea, Chlamydia, herpes, HIV, just to name a few. The list went on and on and on. And I know exactly what you’re thinking—dude, that blows! But don’t be feeling sorry for me quite yet brother, because it turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me. You see, I found out about all of these dating sites dedicated to people just like me, you know, with STD’s. I’m now a member of RashMatch, ILUVHIV.com, DiseaseDate, HerpeHookup, etc. And you won’t believe what the girls on these websites are willing to do…