BREAK FAST SERVD ALL DAY (A Screenplay)

FADE IN:

INT. DIVE BAR – NIGHT

The room is empty except for JIMBO (30’s), who is standing behind the bar, cleaning glasses with a rag. The front door opens. Enter CARL (30’s), soaking wet. Thunder crashes as he closes the door. He takes a seat on a stool in front of Jimbo.

CARL

Where is everybody?

JIMBO

Where is everybody? What do you mean—where is everybody? It’s the goddamn storm of the century out there! The real question is: What the hell are you doing here?

CARL

I’m hungry. I want some breakfast.

JIMBO

Breakfast? It’s eleven o’clock at night…

CARL

Yes. Breakfast. Two eggs, over-easy, hash browns, rye toast, bacon, sausage, a half a grapefruit, and a Bloody Mary.

JIMBO

I’ll make you a Bloody Mary, but you’re fucking nuts if you think you’re getting any goddamn breakfast!

CARL

But the sign says, “Breakfast Served All Day”!

Carl points at a piece of cardboard behind the bar that reads “BREAK FAST SERVD ALL DAY” in thick black marker.

JIMBO

I don’t care what the sign says. I’m not

firing up the grill to cook you breakfast at eleven o’clock at night.

CARL

But that’s false advertising!

JIMBO

False advertising? How’s this for false advertising?

Jimbo grabs the cardboard sign, rips it in half, and discards it beneath the bar. Where the cardboard was leaning, we now see a small safe with a combination lock. Thunder crashes as the front door opens. A masked BANDIT enters, soaking wet, holding a small pistol in his right hand. He points it at Jimbo.

BANDIT

Money! Now!

JIMBO

(laughing)

All right, Bill. You got me. Good joke. You can put the gun down now.

BANDIT

I don’t know who the fuck Bill is, but you’ve got to the count of three to give me some fucking money! One…

JIMBO

Or what Bill? You’ll shoot me?

BANDIT

Quit calling me Bill!

JIMBO

Then what do you want to be called?

BANDIT

I don’t want to be called anything! I just want the fucking money!

JIMBO

Come on Bill, the jokes over. What do you want to drink?

BANDIT

I don’t want a fucking drink! And why the fuck do you keep calling me Bill?

CARL

Because it’s clearly you Bill. That mask aint foolin’ us. We can see it in your goddamn eyes. Aint nobody else got eyes like you. Why do you think you named your bar Bug Eyed Bill’s?

JIMBO

So, what’ll it be, Bill? The usual?

BANDIT

Wait just a second. You think I’m the guy who owns this fucking shit hole? That doesn’t even make sense! Why would somebody rob their own fucking business?

CARL

Where do we start? Gambling debts?

JIMBO

Cocaine habbit?

CARL

Alimony?

JIMBO

Child support?

CARL

Insurance fraud? I mean, the list goes on and on.

JIMBO

Listen Bill, I understand the urge.

BANDIT

I swear to God, if you call me Bill one more time I will shoot your friend in the fucking head.

The bandit swings his arm and points the gun at Carl.

JIMBO

Go ahead Bill, shoot him. See if I care.

CARL

Yeah Bill, shoot me.

BANDIT

You’ve got to be fucking kidding me!

The bandit swings his arm back, once again pointing the pistol towards Jimbo.

BANDIT (CONT’D)

The safe! Open the goddamn fucking safe!

CARL

Okay Bill, now we’ve got you. If you don’t own the place, then how did you know the safe was there?

The bandit swings the pistol back towards Carl.

BANDIT

Are you serious? What do you mean, how do I know the safe is there? I can fucking see it, you moron!

The bandit swings the pistol back towards Jimbo.

BANDIT (CONT’D)

Now, open the fucking safe!

JIMBO

You know I don’t know the combination.

BANDIT

Ha! If I knew that you didn’t know the combination, then why would I ask you in the first place? That proves that I’m not Bill!

CARL

Unless you’re using reverse psychology…

BANDIT

That doesn’t even make any fucking sense! If I knew that you didn’t know, and then pretended to not know, even though you knew…you know what, fuck it, I’m dealing with fucking idiots! Just empty your fucking pockets!

The front door opens. Enter BUG EYED BILL (40’s), soaking wet. The door closes. Thunder crashes.

BILL

What the fuck is going on here?

The bandit swings his pistol towards Bill.

BANDIT

Now, who the fuck are you?

BILL

I’m fucking Bill! My names on the fucking sign outside! Who the fuck are you?

The bandit swings his gun towards Jimbo, then Carl.

BANDIT

Ha! I told you motherfuckers that I wasn’t Bill!

The bandit swings the gun back towards Bill.

BANDIT (CONT’D)

Now, you! Open the fucking safe!

BILL

Okay, okay, easy now. I’ll open the fucking safe.

Bill walks behind the bar and begins to work the combination.

BILL (CONT’D)

Hell of a fucking storm out there, ain’t it?

BANDIT

Just shut the fuck up and open the mother fuckin’ safe!

BILL

Okay, okay, was just tryin’ to make conversation. Here we go…

Bill turns the knob one last time and opens the door of the safe. He spins around with a gun in his hand.

BILL (CONT’D)

Now, get the FUCK out of my fucking bar!

BANDIT

All right, settle down, nobody needs to get hurt.

BILL

I’ll give you to the count of three to get the fuck out of my bar. One…

The bandit turns around and flees out the front door. Bill returns the gun and closes the safe. He walks around the bar and takes a seat next to Carl.

JIMBO

What are you doing here?

BILL

I was hungry. I felt like some breakfast.

CARL

(Smiling)

Breakfast!

JIMBO

Breakfast?

BILL

Yes. Breakfast. And, by the way, where the fuck is my sign?

FADE OUT:

THE END