James Franco, Mr. President (fiction)

            In this story, James Franco becomes the President of the United States. The year is 2020 and the country is in absolute turmoil. The economy has collapsed. Crime is out of control. Terrorism is running rampant. And mostly because—four years prior—the good citizens of the United States decided to elect another Republican with the last name Bush to the White House. What did they think was going to happen?

At this point in our story, nobody wants to oppose the incumbent, not for fear of losing, but because nobody in their right mind would want to lead a country in such disorder. This is where James Franco comes in.

By this point in our story, James Franco has done it all. He’s acted. He’s written. He’s directed. He’s produced. He’s saved an entire family from a burning building. And their puppy. Why not try his hand at politics?

In this story, James creates his own political party, in which he calls “The Party.” At first, people are skeptical, but when Justin Timberlake signs on as his running mate, and citizens are allowed to cast their vote on their smartphones, Mr. Franco wins in a landslide.

In this story, President Franco quickly solves the crime problem by legalizing all drugs. He then fixes the economy by defunding the military and cutting all foreign aid. Unfortunately, this new isolationist policy causes terrorism to become even more widespread.

At this point in the story, James derives a plan to end terrorism once and for all. He invites all foreign terrorists to fight all of America’s homegrown terrorists in a hand to hand combat to the death. The match takes place in Dallas, Texas, at America’s Stadium, and is televised to the world via pay-per-view, which helps bolster the economy.

In this story, all the foreign terrorists—ISIS, Al-Qaeda, Manchester United, etc.—all show up, ready to fight. As do all the domestic terrorists—Ku Klux Klan, the Unabomber, Kanye West, etc. Taylor Swift sings the National Anthem and the whistle blows. But nothing happens. There is no fighting. All the terrorists suddenly realize that they have a common bond, which is the ability to hate for no good reason. This attracts them to one another. A giant homoerotic orgy ensues. The pay-per-view audience is appalled. What did they think was going to happen?

At this point in the story, God comes to Earth and reveals to the world that James Franco is in fact the second coming of Christ. Nobody is surprised. Who else but the Son of God could solve the problems of crime, poverty, and terrorism, all in their first year in the Office of the Presidency? The world rejoices in its new savior. Justin Timberlake does a song and dance.

At this point in the story, it ends.