We
were having a wonderful outing, my girlfriend and I. It was her first bicycle
tour, and though I had previously ridden across the United States twice, it was
the first time I had ever traveled by bike with a female companion. The weather
was perfect, warm and sunny, and the route was easy, flat and straight. It’s about
a thirty mile ride from Portland, Oregon to the small town of Estacada, which
sits at the base of Mount Hood on its eastern side. Half that distance can be
traveled on a bicycle path, while the remaining fifteen miles are on country
roads. After traveling through the aptly-named town of Boring, we left the bike
path and headed down Richey Road. This is where we were riding when a man in a
giant pickup truck thought it was appropriate to pull up beside me, yell obscenities
out his window, rev his engine, blow exhaust in our face, and then speed off,
his arm extended out the window, his middle finger high in the air. That was
nice of him.
We arrived in Estacada by early
afternoon and enjoyed lunch from the best Mexican food cart in Oregon, before
heading to Milo McIver Park to camp for the night. We set up our tent in the
hiker/biker site—which is only five dollars per person, per night—and then went
for a swim in the cool mountain water of the Clackamas River. After playing
some disk golf on one of the park’s two courses, we headed back into town to
get some ice cream. On the way back to the park, another man in a giant pickup
truck again thought it was appropriate to pull up beside me, yell obscenities
out his window, rev his engine, blow exhaust in our face, and then speed off,
his arm extended out the window, his middle finger high in the air.
Now, as I mentioned earlier, I’ve
ridden my bicycle across the country twice, and I can’t recall either time,
having anybody slow down to yell obscenities at me out of their window, and
suddenly, it happens twice in a matter of hours. Perhaps it was because I had a
beautiful woman with me, but regardless, yelling at anyone out your window is almost
always inappropriate. What do these guys think they’re going to accomplish? Do
they think I’m going to give up riding my bicycle because some redneck hillbilly
yelled at me? Do they even realize that I can’t understand what they’re saying?
Over the noise of their engines, their words sound about as clear as the adults
on old Charlie Brown cartoons. Sure, you can always make out a few words, like “ass,”
or “dick,” but then, I just assume that they’re saying such phrases as “You’ve
got a really nice ass.” Or “I have a really small dick.” But everybody already
knows you have a small dick by the size of your truck. There’s no need to pull
up beside us to reiterate it.
Anyway, this recent incident has gotten
me thinking about the topic of yelling, and I’ve begun to wonder if people even
know when it is or isn’t appropriate to yell, so I’ve developed the following
list of when and when not to yell:
Inappropriate—Men yelling out windows. Come on
guys, I don’t care if you’re yelling at another man or woman, knock it off. Nobody
cares what you have to say. And you look like a huge coward doing it. It doesn’t
take much courage to yell at someone and then speed off. If you have something
to say someone, pull over and say it to their face. Unless it’s about how small
your dick is, because we already know.
Appropriate—Women yelling out windows. When
women yell out windows, it’s almost always in good fun. Rarely do they do it
for malicious reasons. Sometimes it can actually make a guy feel pretty good.
Like this one time as I was standing outside a Walmart in Kentucky, chugging chocolate
milk, when a severely obese woman yelled at me, “Milk does do a body good!” Thanks. That made my day.
Inappropriate—Yelling into a phone. There’s no
need to ever yell into a phone. Phones were invented so we don’t have to yell
at each other. My Eastern-European neighbor doesn’t seem to understand this.
She spends at least one hour everyday yelling into her cell phone about how
much she hates her husband. Just go ahead and murder him already, but please
stop yelling into your phone.
Appropriate—Yelling at a sporting event.
That’s really what you’re paying for when you go to a sporting event. And if it
gives your home team even the slightest advantage, yell as loud as you can. But
if you’re an athlete, and you have possession of the ball, and the entire
audience is chanting “Defense. Defense. Defense…” Just pretend they’re saying “Offense.”
Then it seems like they’re rooting for you.
Inappropriate—Yelling at a sporting event on
television in a public place. You do realize that they can’t hear you? Plus, do
you think the guy sitting at the barstool next to you really enjoys your beer
soaked, chicken wing flavored commentary on how bad the Oakland Raiders are? We
all know how bad the Oakland Raiders are.
Appropriate—Yelling at a sporting event on
television in the privacy of your own home. I’m a firm believer that if you
yell loud enough at a television in your living room, you can affect the
outcome of the game. Why do you think the Spurs destroyed the Heat in the NBA Finals
this year? You’re welcome San Antonio.
Inappropriate—Yelling in a church, at the
opera, at a play, during a wedding ceremony, etc. If people are sitting down,
you shouldn’t be yelling.
Appropriate—Yelling for help. If you need
help, try yelling. If you just lay there quietly, you’re probably not going to
get anybody’s attention.
Inappropriate—Yelling after dark in a
residential neighborhood. Some of us are trying to sleep!
Appropriate—The Annual “STELLAA…” Yelling
Contest in Bay St. Louis, Missississippi.
Inappropriate—Yelling on a Ferris wheel.
Appropriate—Yelling on a roller coaster.
On the fence—Heckling. Sometimes it’s alright
to heckle, other times, not so much. Please use your discretion.
I
hope this helps. Next time you feel the need to yell, ask yourself if it’s an
appropriate situation before letting loose. Unfortunately, the people that need
this most probably won’t ever read it, primarily because they’re from towns
like Estacada and Boring and don’t know how to read. In conclusion, I will
leave you with a quote from one of contemporary society’s most famous yellers:
“Basically, I started on stage
yelling, and then I yelled some more,
and then I yelled even louder. I’m
modulated now.
I’ve found that there are a lot
of other ways
to get across anger without just
yelling.” – Lewis Black
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