One Week in July in America, 2015

             Last year, around this time, I wrote a blog entitled: “One Week in July in America, 2014.” I thought it might be an interesting social document, to help future generations better understand what a typical week was like in America in 2014. My hope was that a hundred years from then, some future American might grow tired of their virtual reality sex chamber and decide to do some historical research. Perhaps they would pour themselves a large mug of Mountain Dew Crystal Meth Suicide Blast™ soda pop, strap on their Weblet 2®,  and surf Twitoogle Book© for: “What were Americans up to a century ago?” Then maybe, just maybe, they would stumble upon that blog post. Well, a lot has changed since last year. Among other things, weed is now legal, gay marriages are now legal, and Tom Brady is now a proven cheater/liar/horrible human being! With so many changes, I thought it might be fun to do another installment. So, here goes: ONE WEEK IN JULY IN AMERICA, 2014  2015.

            Airplanes. It’s been almost two years since I started dating my girlfriend, Katelin, so I thought it might be time to introduce her to my family and friends from back home. The only problem being: “back home” is over 3,000 miles away. Now, I know that in the future this might not seem like a problem. You simply hop in your Toyota Transpod®, press a button, and poof! you arrive at your destination in less than a millisecond. Well, here in 2015, long distance travel isn’t nearly that efficient. Like livestock, we are packed into giant metal cylinders that are propelled thousands of feet into the air until they reach their destination. Except, you aren’t allowed to reach your destination until you stop at another destination first, where you are forced to wait on the most uncomfortable seats in the world and purchase food that is astronomically priced. They call this a layover, and unfortunately for us, we were laid-over in a city that still thinks that Tom Brady is NOT a cheater/liar/horrible human being! That city is called Boston, and I pray, for the sake of humanity, that in your future, it has been destroyed and replaced with a better city, which calls itself New New York.

            Waterfalls. In the mid-1990’s, an all girl group who called themselves “TLC” recorded a hit song with a popular refrain that said: “Don’t go chasing waterfalls, stick to the rivers and the lakes that you’re used to.” Anybody who’s ever seen a magnificent waterfall knows that TLC was full of shit. Of all the forms H20 can take, waterfalls just might be the best. In Letchworth, and Niagara Falls—less than 100 miles apart from each other—we visited some of the most beautiful waterfalls in the United States. At Niagara Falls, we took a ride on the Maid of the Mist, which brought us so close to the base of the world’s largest falls that we were literally blinded by its spray. It was one of the great moments of my life, one I’m sure the fine women of TLC must have never experienced.

            Games. It can be an exhilarating experience when you first walk into a casino, with all the fountains and bells and lights and fun noises. The one we visited in Niagara Falls even had a live rock n roll band playing on an elevated stage above the gaming floor. But when you take away all those bells and lights and fun noises, all you really have is people feeding money into machines like a reverse ATM. Think about it the next time you go to a casino—it’s probably the most insane thing you will ever lay your eyes on.

            Games. I’m pretty certain in the future men will playing football on horseback with bows and arrows, but here in 2015, the most popular game of summer is baseball. Sure, people might believe the sport is boring, about as exciting as watching paint dry (which itself is a thousand times more exciting than watching soccer), but it is our nation’s pastime, and holds a rich sense of history and tradition unlike any other sport we have. Much of this history and tradition is housed at the Baseball Hall of Fame and Museum in the small town of Cooperstown, NY, which, with a short visit, I was finally able to cross off my bucket list. Induction into the Baseball Hall of Fame, is based upon a player’s record, ability, integrity, sportsmanship, character, and contribution. And, that player must have played at least ten years in the majors. Or, any bum off the street can pay $80 for an annual membership. Which I gladly did. Yes, that’s correct, 2015 is the year I, Jon Penfold, became a member of the Baseball Hall of Fame. Suck it Pete Rose!

            More games. We played games—lots of games. In Upstate New York, there’s not much to do, so people drink, and when people in Upstate New York drink, they like to play games (I think it makes them feel less like alcoholics). While in New York, Katelin and I played games, lots of games. We played slots, blackjack, spinning wheel, corn-hole, billiards, Kan Jam, ring toss, yard beer-pong, trivia, shuffle board, darts, and whiffle ball. And during each of these games, we drank. And the end result of each of these games was me losing. No joke—I lost at every single game I played all week.

            Winning. I hate losing. I hate it more than most things in life. But a funny thing happened when I was visiting New York—I didn’t care if I lost. Not the slightest. Because even though I was losing, it was the people I was losing to, and with, that made the experience more than worthwhile. Sure, I may have lost at the casino, but spending time with my parents was worth every penny. And I may have lost at whiffle ball to a bunch of drunk kids, but it was still wonderful to see my family. And though Katelin and I may have lost to my sister and my friend Josh at shuffle board, and billiards, and darts, seeing the smiles on everyone's faces was a much better victory in itself.

            You see, win or lose, it’s not the destination that makes the trip, it’s the people you get to experience it with. It’s your friends. It's your family. That’s what’s most important. Even in the future, even a hundred years from now, you will still understand this, because without friends, without family, are we even really human?

            Wait, what’s that? In the future, you aren’t human…in the future you are machines. Damn, I knew I should have gone to see Terminator Genisys last week instead of playing so many damn games.