It was my sixteenth Christmas on Earth and
I was old enough to understand that Santa wasn’t real, Jesus wasn’t the
actually the Son of God, and my parents weren’t wealthy enough to be wasting
their hard-earned money on stupid gifts that their children wouldn’t really appreciate.
I unwrapped my presents and received exactly what I expected, exactly what I
really needed: underwear, socks, and a membership to AAA. Once all of us kids
were done opening all of our gifts from our parents, it was time for us to
exchange the ones we got for each other. I can’t recall what my older brother
got me, but I’ll never forget the present from my sister, or the one I gave to
her. We were both in high school, at that age where practical jokes were much
more priceless than anything you could purchase at a store. From my sister, I
unwrapped an absolutely useless poster-sized collage, filled with photographs
of LeAnn Rimes and Hanson, the band behind the megahit “Mmmmbop.” (At the time,
I couldn’t stand Rimes, but to this day, I still don’t understand the pictures
of Hanson, for I was, am, and always will be a fan of the blond-haired brothers
and their upbeat, feel-good music.) From my parents, my sister had already received
what she had been asking for all year—a CD player—so, I thought it would be
funny to give her an empty CD case with a fake cover that said, “Haha, I bet
you thought this was a CD!” It was hilarious.
My last gift of
the day was from my little brother, who was only eleven years old at the time.
Not expecting much from my youngest sibling, I was surprised to open a card
filled with a half-dozen scratch-off lotto tickets. While my siblings played
with their gifts and my parents cleaned up wrapping paper, I scratched off the
tickets one by one. Loser. Loser. Loser. Holy shit! Sweet baby Jesus! Santa
Clause is real! “I just won ten thousand
mother-fucking dollars!
“Hey, watch your
language young man!”
But I wasn’t fooling
around. I had just won. And I won big!!! What would I buy? A new car? Probably not.
A used car? Maybe. Every Beatles album ever produced? Most definitely. “I’m
rich. I’m rich. I’m rich!!!!!!!!!”
“It’s
fake.”
What?
My
little brother breaks out laughing. “It’s fake,” he says. “It’s a fake lotto
ticket. I bought it at Spencer’s Gifts.”
That
year, my entire family had a good laugh at my expense, and because of it, it
was a Christmas that I’ll never forget. Sometimes the best Christmas memories
have nothing to do with spending money, sometimes they have to do with losing
it. And Jeremy, by the way, I’m still going to get back at you someday, when
you very least suspect it…
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