If
it wasn’t for sweet potatoes I don’t know if I’d exist right now. There’s a
good chance that I may have just continued to lose weight until I withered away
to nothing—like that Stephen King novel where that guy just keeps getting
thinner and thinner and thinner and thinner. What was the name of that book
again? I feel like I should know it. Oh, it doesn’t matter, nobody reads Stephen
King. Anyway, I was getting thinner and thinner and thinner, until I realized I
was allowed to eat sweet potatoes.
A month ago, I went on a 28-day
detox—Dr. Axe’s Secret Detox, to be
more precise. According to Dr. Josh Axe, DC, CNS, (I don’t know what those
letters mean either) it’s the same nutritional program used by American
Olympians, as well as Team Garmin, a world-renown cycling team that competes in
the Tour De France, among other high profile races. And since I often times like
to pretend that I’m some sort of high-profile athlete, I thought Why not try the detox? And, it
apparently cures cancer. That’s right, people with cancer have gone on the
detox and their cancer has gone away. Apparently. Now, I don’t believe that I
had cancer before the detox, but if I did, it’s most certainly gone now. Take
that cancer! (I can’t emphasize enough that this is intended to be humorous and
I am in no way poking fun at people with cancer. It is meant only to be a joke.
I apologize if it offended anyone. What’s that? Oh, I’m so sorry, how was I
supposed to know that your aunt had cancer? Well, we all know someone who’s had
cancer. Oh, she died of cancer? Well, let’s reiterate that I’m not making fun
of people with cancer, but rather the disease itself. Aren’t you allowed to
make fun of diseases? You’re not?
Sorry, I didn’t realize that. Let’s just pretend that I never wrote it, and go
on with the rest of the article.)
Dr. Axe charges about $500 for his
detox program, which consists of a binder with just over 200 pages and a bunch
of DVD’s that tell you the exact same thing as the binder (Unfortunately, I
read the entire binder first). Now, I’m not implying that Dr. Axe is a con artist,
because, as you will soon find out, I wholeheartedly believe that the detox
works, but five-hundred dollars? Really?
What happened to the good old days when doctors genuinely believed in helping
others? If Dr. Axe really believed that his detox program can reverse the
effects of cancer, then shouldn’t he be encouraging people to go on it, instead
of worrying about a profit? When Dr. Jonas Salk developed the first successful
polio vaccine in 1957, he gave it away for free. The guy could have been a
millionaire, but he knew there were more important things than money—such as life.
Over fifty years later, people continue to tell that story, and the name Jonas
Salk is still remembered. Do you hear that Dr. Axe? Do you think people will recall
your name in fifty years? Quit swindling them, and tell them what you know!
In Dr. Axe’s defense, The Secret Detox really isn’t much of a
secret. The entire 200+ pages can be summed up in about four words—EAT HEALTHY
YOU IDIOTS! After all, it is 2014 and
we have a pretty good idea of what’s good for your body and what’s bad for your
body. Organic fruit—good. McDonald’s—bad. Organic vegetables—good. Ice cream—bad.
You don’t have to be a genius to figure that out. When someone hands over $500
to Dr. Axe, they’re in reality buying a placebo, like all those nutritional
pills that people have been peddling lately. You know, the ones that promise
you’ll lose weight if you work out for three hours a day, eat healthy, and take
this one pill. I have news for you—you’ll lose weight just by working out and
eating healthy. The pill does nothing!
After some thought, I’ve decided to
give away the secret—it’s in the best interest to humanity. Dr. Axe could
probably sue me for doing this, and I hope he does, because that means people
are actually reading this blog. But I imagine that he’ll never know the wiser.
After all, I still haven’t heard back from Zuckerberg (see: An Open Letter to
Mark Zuckerberg, May 6, 2014). Actually, on second thought, I really don’t want
to be sued. So, you can either pay Dr. Axe $500, or you can follow Jon Penfold’s
Super Non-Secret Detox. It’s quite simple: No sugar, no soy, no dairy, no GMO’s,
no corn, and no gluten. If somehow you find something to eat that doesn’t
contain any of these things, make sure that it’s organic, grass fed, and free
range. It’s really that simple: eat fruits, vegetables, and meat that aren’t
contaminated by any chemicals. And drink lots of water. As much as you can. All
day. Yes, you’ll have to get up in the middle of the night to go to the
bathroom.
Because I’m somewhat of an athlete,
and because I burn a lot of calories every day, it took me a while to figure
out what to eat. Meat and vegetables are great, but you can only eat so much
before you start to crack. Luckily, I discovered sweet potatoes, which go
wonderfully with organic, free-range eggs. And brown rice pasta, which tastes
enough like regular pasta that if you douse it in organic tomato sauce, you can
hardly tell the difference. And quinoa, oh glorious quinoa, which goes well with
just about everything. I put it in salads and wraps and soup, and use it as a
replacement for oatmeal. With enough organic banana, almond butter, honey, and
raisins, you can hardly tell the difference. And drink lots of water.
I’m going to warn you, it’s
expensive to eat this way. Good, healthy food on average costs about 50% more
than “regular” food, and because it’s not as filling, you’ll probably have to
eat twice as much to be satisfied. So, you’re looking at more than double your
grocery bill (but since you’ll never be able to eat out again, you’ll probably
break even). But, to be honest, I feel better than I’ve felt in a long time. My
body fat immediately dissolved, leaving me the lightest I’ve been since high school.
My lower back doesn’t constantly ache anymore. My energy levels are as high as
I can remember—I went from eight cups of coffee a day, down to one. And I won
my first ever road bike race, and though I’ll probably never make Team Garmin, boy,
does it feel good to win. There’s only one concern I have with the detox—I still
want a cheeseburger so bad!
They claim that your taste buds will
change over time, but that doesn’t mean your memory will be erased. Sure, I’ve
grown to love sweet potatoes and quinoa and brown rice pasta, but I can still
remember how great a cheeseburger tastes, and how sweet ice cream is on the
tongue, and tacos and pizza and sandwiches and French fries. Maybe we can find
a happy balance. I feel great, but I love junk food. I think I will incorporate
a cheat day into my diet. Being healthy 6 out of 7 days a week is far better
than the other way around. Some “experts” even claim that a cheat day will
further boost metabolism, causing you to lose even more weight. But like I said
in the start of this story, I’m already getting pretty thin. I don’t know if I
should be losing any more weight. Maybe I should
stick to the detox diet and see what happens. But on the other hand, screw it, a
cheeseburger and a beer does sound pretty good right about now. I’ll go back to
being a health nut tomorrow.
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