Going Gluten-Free-Free

            I’m sick; and not just of work, and the rain, and people who push their political and religious views on others. Of course I’m sick of those things, but I’m also literally ill—my head hurts, my body aches, and my energy is zapped. I know what you’re thinking: What’s the big deal? People get sick. Well, not me! Ok, that’s not completely true. I do average one minor cold a year, but that cold came and passed a few weeks ago when my super strong immune system kicked its weak little butt. So, what the hell is going on? How can I possibly be sick again? I mean, twice in one year is one thing, but twice in one month? There has to be a reasonable explanation. The problem with getting sick when you never get sick is that you won’t admit that it could possibly be something that you brought upon yourself. After all, I’m healthy; I exercise; I eat right. So, then, why am I sick? After carefully examining all possibilities, I believe that I’ve finally put my finger on the culprit. We just need to go back a few days…

            “Wow,” the petite girl says. “You really downed your beer fast!”

            “That’s because it’s not beer,” her boyfriend replies. “It’s beer-flavored water. Or beer-wine at best.”

            I’m surprised that he says this, because he looks exactly like the kind of guy who would be all about a place like this. With his long scraggly beard, clean cropped hair, and ironic button-down western shirt, he perfectly portrays the quintessential twenty-first century Portland hipster. I’m not only surprised to hear these words come out of his mouth, but actually quite relieved, because I’ve been biting my tongue all night. “It’s like beer that’s missing something,” I chime in. “Like, diet-beer.”

            We’re all sitting at a picnic table outside of a gastropub that prides itself in being the “first dedicated gluten-free brewery in the United States.” Until today, I didn’t even know that the term “gastropub” existed, and upon researching it on Wikipedia I’m comforted by the fact that Merriam Webster didn’t even add it to their dictionary until 2012 (I guess I’m not as far behind the times as I thought). In essence, a gastropub refers to a bar that is also a restaurant that serves “high-end” beer and food (not like the bars that we commoners usually frequent; the kind that serve “low-end” beer and food). So, on this beautiful Saturday evening in March, I sit outside this gastropub and sip on samples of every Indian Pale Ale (my beer of choice) that is currently on the tap list. One is crisp with notes of pine and sharp citrus, while another showcases the tropical fruit flavors of Santium hops…hell, who am I kidding? They all taste pretty much the same. They all taste like watered-down beer!

            The food isn’t much better. I order the Rueben, which isn’t half-bad, while my beautiful girlfriend tries the pizza. Now, I’m no “foodie,” but I’m pretty certain that the term “pizza” is being tossed around quite loosely these days. If I take a cracker and put a slice of cheese and pepperoni on it, I don’t call it a pizza, so if a restaurant takes some flat bread and melts some goat cheese on it, why are they allowed to get away with it? In any case, language aside, I try a bite of her “pizza,” and immediately realize that something’s missing, and that’s it’s got to be the gluten, and I wonder: What the hell is gluten anyway, and why is everyone suddenly against it?

            It turns out that gluten is in just about everything that tastes good. It’s what gives elasticity to dough and that chewy texture to bread. It’s in pizza and pasta and ice cream and beer—all the things that I love most. Not only do I typically eat a large amount of gluten on a daily basis, but often times I order extra gluten to dip my gluten into. Simply said, I love gluten. Then, why do so many other people hate it? I don’t really know. But I do know that a lot of people will be pissed off when I say that it’s probably because it’s little more than a passing fad; like hot yoga; or how a few years back everyone was doing Pilates and cutting carbs. Now, it is statistically accurate that a percentage of Americans are in fact sensitive to gluten, but unfortunately that number is less than 1%. I’m pretty sure that the rest of you are just trying to be trendy (No, not you, I definitely believe that you’re in the 1%. When I say “the rest of you,” I’m referring to all the other posers out there).

            So, what does this have to do with me being sick? Well, the next day—the day after eating the gluten-free food and drinking the gluten-free beer—I got sick. And the day following that, I felt even worse. I mean, if there was no gluten in my sandwich (which was made out of bread), or my beer, then what exactly was in it? Something that made me sick, that’s what! As I lay in bed, immobile, trying to contemplate what exactly I want to write about in this week’s blog, it dawns on me—I need to tell the world about the dangers of gluten-free foods!

My girlfriend isn’t buying into my theory. “Maybe it wasn’t the gluten-free food,” she says. “Maybe it was the beer you drank before, or the beer that you drank after, or the pound of chicken wings, or the three cheeseburgers, or the big bowl of oatmeal, or the imitation crab sandwiches.”

“Impossible. I eat that stuff all the time and have never gotten sick before.”

“You were cutting up raw chicken yesterday.”

“But I washed my hands afterward.”

“With soap?”

“Yes, with soap.”

“Maybe you overexerted yourself training?”

“I always overexert myself training.”

“Didn’t you say that a few people from work are also sick with the same exact symptoms as you? You probably just caught a virus.”

“The people I work with are always sick, and I’ve never caught anything from them before. Plus, my immune system is much too powerful for viruses anyway.”

“Ok then, you must be right. It couldn’t possibly be any of those things. It must be from the gluten-free food.”

“Thanks for understanding, sweetheart,” I say as I close my eyes to sleep, knowing that from this day forward, though it may not be easy, though it might take severe dedication, and that it might mean  avoiding certain foods and restaurants, I will live my life 100% gluten-free-free.